(dicilok from fanchants.com)
1 English football clubs continue to be a must-have fashion accessory for rich Americans as Paris Hilton takes control of Portsmouth. Harry Redknapp denies it will affect anything, telling Sky’s Geoff Shreeves to, ‘Talk the to the hand cos the face ain’t listenin’ girlfriend.’
2 For the test series against New Zealand, the England cricket team solve their wicket-keeping crisis by playing Scott Carson behind the stumps. On his debut, Scott takes some great catches but sadly his kicking lets him down.
3 West Ham’s injury jinx continues as Dean Ashton gets a nasty paper cup from the match programme, sidelining him for six weeks
4 English clubs go on red alert when US based Becks announces “I’m ready to up sticks”. Though it turns out he’s just talking about a planned night in with wife Victoria.
5 The mystery of why Arsenal matches never clash with a Grand Prix is finally solved when its’s revealed that Theo Walcott and Lewis Hamilton are indeed one and the same person.
6 At last an Englishman is discovered who regularly sticks the ball in the net at big tournaments. Unfortunately he turns out to be our Number 1 tennis player at Wimbledon.
7 Andre Shevchenko joins Derby on loan. Chelsea insist on a clause in Sheva’s contract that states that he must play against them in the clubs’ forthcoming clash.
8 More Easter misery for West Ham. Kieran Dyer cuts his gum on a sharp bit of Toblerone and could be out until next Christmas.
9 Sir Alex Ferguson unveils a new goal celebration – ditching the ‘pissed uncle skipping towards the dance floor at a wedding’ routine in favour of a dramatic ‘Mourinho knee-slide’
10 Reading win two in a row and medics are called to the Madjeski Stadium after Steve Coppell cracks his face in two attempting a smile.
11 Following Fulham’s relegation, Mohammed Al Fayed consoles himself by buying a new outfit – Leyton Orient.
12 Jens Lehmann shaves his head bald – thus ensuring less friction when he finally disappears up his own arse.
13 Sir Alex Ferguson launches his own skincare range called Laboratoire GrandMarnier.
14 WBO title holder Joe Calzaghe announces plans to fight for the WBA – making West Brom officially the hardest team in the Championship.
15 Just when you thought he couldn’t get any more unpopular, Steve McClaren becomes manager of Germany. And wins Euro 2008.
16 Cappello gets sacked and a new England manager is unveiled. With his swarthy good looks and indepth knowledge of the English game, it’s the people’s choice known as the special one - Jeff Stelling!
17 Wigan’s Titus Bramble starts taking to the field holding a big white circle around himself, saving Andy Gray and Alan Hansen the bother.
18 Arsene Wenger approaches every club in a desperate attempt to improve his squad. Unfortunately, he still can’t find anyone to take Phillipe Senderos off his hands.
19 In an attempt to spice up the FA Cup draw, the balls are replaced by numbered bikini clad babes who are plucked out of a foam filled pool at random. The idea is based on Saturday nights at Cristiano Ronaldo’s house.
20 Bolton finally string three passes together. No hang on, that’s just a bit too far-fetched.
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